Saturday, September 23, 2006Y

I have nth tuh do now, so I decide tuh update blog. =)

I have been studying for the past few days. Once sch ish over, I will tell myself tuh go home, finish all hmwk and start revising. Yupp, now I onli have this road left, so I choose tuh believe wad yixin said and tuh heed her advice. Have faith and confidence. Even if u have confidence, you must oso possessed knowledge wad. Haish. I jus hope I can pass my EOY wit flying colours so as tuh pull up my marks. Some times I wonder, is choosing pure sciences wrong? Chinese ppl owas say, dun have a big head, dun wear big hat. I oso dunnoe lehs. But since its already past a year for sec 3 and a year ahead tuh o level, no point sitting here wondering. Jus look forward and do my best. I must do my best, cos I dun wanna regrets. I haven been watching teevee and playing com. Even my blog I oso mus wait exam ova den update. I dunnoe if I shud let sam come in here. But she seems eager. So I shall decide after exam. I m very vexed ova smt. I think smt tt really matters.

When the sec 3 yr started, I wanted to patner sam in the parade square cos I think in 3/9 I m closest tuh sam. Yixin said I will have fwens in 3/9 so I decided tuh keep this deep down my heart and see. When I was in the parade square, jojo came and snatched sam away from me. I told myself, fine, let her be, I shall sit wit sam. I did nort scold her or lose temper then. But when we reached 3/9 klas room, I walk wit sam side by side and chose a sit at the baq. Then suddenly jojo cut in and sit wit sam. I was very angry, very frustrated. My patience has its limit. Jojo is getting too far. I want tuh scold her, but den I chose tuh remain quiet. Den jojo say, aiya nvm lahs, next yr let u sit wit sam lor. I knew by then starting of the yr is already bad, worse would come next. So I jus say alone in the other row. This was when I started tuh talk tuh ying liang.

Lyk this, days, weeks and months passed. Jojo kept patnering sam. They both owas pang seh me. I was crying deep down my heart but onli God knows. I tot I could build better fwenship wit sam, but it did nort turn out lyk tt. Jojo kept standing between me and sam. They both are great fwens. Wheneva sam ish wit yixin, I m the extra one. Wheneva sam ish wit jojo I m oso the extra one. Where ish my dignity? I have my own dignity. So I decide tuh leave them alone. By then I m alr close tuh RL cos we were both in the same CCA and both in the same klas. Whenever jojo dun have sam, she will come look for me. Wheneva sam dun have jojo she will look for me. Then they will rmb me. Den hu m I tuh them? Did they even spare a thought for me? Did they realize that I m so hurt inside. That’s owas the reason why I hate jojo. Even from sec 1 til now. The hatred will nvr dissolve completely. It will nvr go away. I know tt once jojo ish alive on earth I will nvr goin tuh stop hating her. I begun tuh follow Rl everywhere, nort really everywhere, but jus wit her. By her side, I knew MY , jane and joyce. This expanded my fwenship circle. More fwens. I tot it was good, perhaps.

Recess tyme, I no longer waited for sam and jojo. I know they feel that we are alr apart, maybe slowly. They did nort say ant. They waited for me every recess, but in return I did not wait for them. I will jus acc RL for recess and pang seh dem. I ask myself, m I happy this way? I dun bother den. I know they felt that I m too much. I m waitinf for them tuh say I m too much. But that day nvr happen. I alr has an ans if they were tuh tell me I m too much. I will jus tell them straight to the face they were the one who throw me aside. They were the ones hu pang seh me 1^st.

I felt very comfortable wit RL dey all. Jus becos I dun feel as stress when I was wit yixin and sam. Standing beside yixin and sam, I m owas the extra one. Nort onli character, not onli fwenship, its everything. U name it I have got it. But wit Rl dey all its completely different. They dun ai mei. Dey dun wear branded clothes. When they go out they will ask me. Nort lyk sam and yixin owas go out nvr ask me. Maybe jus becos I m the extra one. Nort tt I dun ai mei, nort tt I dun wan behave lyk a gurl. I jus believe I dun have the rights to do tt. I want tuh change myself, but hu will giv me the chance. They are hurting me again and again. But wit RL I m owas laughing, im forever laughing. So I tot y nort? End all kinda of stupid fwenship and jus cherish this fwenship. I cant behave my true self infront of yixin and sam. But onli RL. Even if I sit awkwardly they wun say anything. Even if I say vulgarities they wun say ant. I can somehow behave in my true self infront of them.

Things started tuh change. RL owas love gossiping. Actually nort really so, she jus wanted tuh get things off her chest. By gossiping ish the best method for her. She hate jane. I dislike jane. She is foreva full of fwens, but she dunnoe wad exactly each fwens wants. When she have them, she will pang seh u, when she have u she will pang seh them. Its nvr balance. She wun understand, unless she has been thru these. She wun bother how u feel when she ignores u. I chose tuh be wit her grp of fwens, I alr lost sam by then. But then some times she oso pang seh me. I m lyk a clown. Hu will owas do things as she please, but nort for my own sake. I tot if its worth a smile, y nort? Yixin and sam wit jojo did nort make me smile. I dun smile whenever wit them.

On Friday, as usual RL would rush down tuh the canteen for her recess. Den I tot she wun really cares bout me, wad for I care bout them. I wanted tuh test, if sam and jojo reali bother me. I jus continue wit my maths, as if nth happened, den sam approached me. She ask me if I wan tuh go down have my recess. At that point of tyme, I was touched. Maybe jojo was the one tt stood between me and sam and sam was the innocent one. I dunnoe. I tot I shud try tuh be independent nort owas relying on others. But I m afraid tt I wud have no fwens. Izzit becos of tt tt I tried tuh act lyk someone else in front of others? If I really be myself, I wud jus kip my mouth shut and nth come out of it. Ppl will think tt I m bored. Mite as well smile and make them happy.

Whenever I walked past yixin and qiqi, I dun smile tuh them. They owas try their best tuh smile in front of me. They wud wave at me. Despite me nort smiling and waving baq at them, sometimes maybe giving them a black face, they wud jus smile and wave at me. Sometimes after giving them a black face, I look baq, they were too unhappy. I dunnoe. I nit care and concern. I m lack of these. But I dun nit ppl pityness. Sometimes I jus wan tuh be alone, so I pretend nort seeing them. Sometimes when I wud lyk tuh talk tuh them, I have no topic. I know friendship between me and them as alr been gone. Dead.

I shud giv up. Maybe I shud let dem be. But how shall I tell them? By writing in blog? I doubt yixin wud read it. Sam cant enter too. By mouth? Maybe I wud break into tears. Hu knows?

God, u rule my world u decide. I have no say I have no rights. I m jus a dead individual waking on earth. Replace my heart wit ur humble heart. Take away my burden and troubles. Thanks lots. Bless world peace. Bless everyone. Bless me wit this coming EOY. I feel so much better letting everything out. You are so great.

YWELCOME